• The First Time Mum

Identity Crisis

Hello! Long (long long long) time no speak on here. It feels strange but good to be writing again even if it is about feeling slightly lost.

Since I last wrote a post here, nearly a year ago, a lot has happened and changed. I stopped writing, honestly, hand on heart, because I felt bad that I was enjoying motherhood. Mad I know. But I felt like I couldn’t be on here writing about the hardships of being a Mum when I had suddenly found myself actually properly enjoying it. Now that was a year ago and believe me there have still been some major ups and downs but what’s brought me back is two things:

  1. The encouragement of friends that sharing the highs and lows was basically the entire point of this so to stop writing because there were highs was completely against the point and,

  2. A f**ing massive identity crisis!

You see my son started nursery today. He’s 2 and it’s his first half day ever and I’m sat here having a full blown identity crisis about who the hell I am anymore because for 2 years I feel like I haven’t done anything but be a Mum. Now there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a Mum, obviously, whatever kind of Mum you are - working full time, part time, stay-at-home, homeschooling, whatever, all Mums are brilliant. But, I think particularly due to the pandemic, I really feel like I haven’t done anything but Mum for 2 years solidly and it’s a really weird feeling today.

You see it was never really the plan for me to stay-at-home all this time but the pandemic and months of closures for the hospitality industry, in which my husband and I own and run a small business, changed things. Private childcare wasn’t an option because of cost and between social distancing rules and lock-downs the support network of wonderful Grandparents who could help out was snatched away too. So I stayed at home...for two full years, until he could start in our local nursery. And I’m so excited for him to go and we all need it but where does that leave me? I can do some elements of my old job but not the big significant part because that was shift work that isn’t covered by childcare hours. So I can go back to work but not back to work. So am I still a stay-at-home Mum if my sons in nursery three half days a week? Am I working Mum if I'm doing my job but not actually my job? Did I ever really even stop working fully because I distinctly remember being about 5 days postpartum in bed, still bleeding, proof-reading marketing copy for an event we were due to be holding soon after! So what even am I now!?

Throw on top of this all I’m pregnant again too. 17 weeks of vomiting down and I'm finally starting to feel a bit more human again. This pregnancy was planned for, hoped for and blessed with but it's now also another thing for me to apparently utterly panic about. So I’m riddled with anxiety about how I’m going to cope with two kids while having an identity crisis about not having the one I do have at home with me all the time anymore, while also being happy that he’s getting to socialise properly and I get some more freedom too. I’m feeling a bit all over the place at the moment can you tell!? Perhaps this is why I feel like I can write again because it doesn’t feel all picture perfect. Not, like I said, it has been over the past year, oh goodness me no we’ve had sleep regressions, tantrums, the lot! But I’ll go back into that all another day.

For now it feels good to be back in this little space where I could talk into the nothingness of the internet with perhaps someone listening and feeling the same way. I’ll be going back, finding my feet and all my old plans for blog posts and hopefully pick back up where I left off on here. Who knows maybe it’ll help calm my nerves about baby number 2 too!

Charlotte xxx

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